Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
do nipples grow back?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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