For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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