I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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