she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
