Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
