oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
