so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
