I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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