I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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