I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
