I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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