Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
