He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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