so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize