Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
there is glitter all over my balls
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
