Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
