You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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