I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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