I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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