OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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