thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
