Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
