hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
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