Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
