I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
