Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
