Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
