Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
