sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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