fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
