i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
