On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
