He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm passing your future prison.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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