I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Randomize
