she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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