when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
