I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
