So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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