got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
