The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
