I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
