On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
