My Higher Power is John Stamos
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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