if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
