im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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