I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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