which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
birth control should be required to get into college
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
