My room smells like vodka and shame
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
