my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
