have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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