we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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