it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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