There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
