I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
