i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
