I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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