I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
