Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You can't just leave with hair like that
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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